LoD: The (Not-So) Divine Comedies
by DiamondClaw
Summary: What happens when our fellow DiamondClaw tries to set up a play featuring the LoD characters? Find out here. PG-13 for language and suggestive dialogue, please R&R! Ch.3: Et Tu, Good Conscience? is up!
1. Wherefore Art Thou, Sanity?

Legend of Dragoon: The (Not-So) Divine Comedies  
  
By DiamondClaw  
  
Legal Stuff  
  
I do not own Legend of Dragoon, Sony, or jokes borrowed from certain TV shows (you know what they are)  
  
Prologue:  
  
(enter Kongol.)  
  
Kongol: Kongol tell you tale of buddies who kill stuff. Now sit down or Kongol SMASH!!! (He pulls out his axe. The sound of people sitting down on squeaky bean bag chairs all at once is heard.)  
  
Kongol: That better. Now, once upon a time…..  
  
1 ACT 1, SCENE 1  
  
(Enter Rose, dressed in a tacky, Juliet-like gown.)  
  
Rose (in Shakespearian voice.) Oh…(in normal voice) What the hell is this?  
  
(DiamondClaw, the handsome author, appears.)  
  
DiamondClaw: Damn it! This is my story, you do what I say!  
  
Rose: Make me!  
  
DiamondClaw: I command you to cluck like a chicken!  
  
Rose: Go to hell! Why would I…(Rose starts clucking.) How did you do that?  
  
DiamondClaw: This is my story. You're in it. Do the math.  
  
(Albert walks onto the stage)  
  
Albert: And Melbu Frahma hath returned from the dead…  
  
Rose: Can it, Romeo. This guy thinks he runs this story!  
  
DC: I do, damnit! I'm the @!#?$!'n author!  
  
Albert: Ha! You want me to kill him?  
  
Rose: Please do.  
  
DC: Try me. (pulls out a huge sword.)  
  
Albert: Die! (Albert goes into a furious rage, stabbing and thrusting. When all is finished, a blue '2' pops up.) What!?  
  
DC: Now do you believe me? I own this story!  
  
Legal Guy: But not Legend of Dragoon, Sony, or any other bigwig companies. Please don't sue!  
  
DC: Thanks to the Legal Guy! Now, back to the story.  
  
Rose: Prove that you own this story. Kill Meru.  
  
DC: I was planning on doing that anyway.  
  
(Meru walks onto the stage. Suddenly, a yellow '9999' appears. Meru slumps to the ground, lifeless.)  
  
Rose: Works for me.  
  
(Enter Dart, sword in hand.)  
  
Dart: Yes, fair maiden…(notices Rose, Al, and DC arguing.) Hey! Whose Line! Neato torpedo!  
  
Rose: And since when did Dart's IQ drop drastically? (thinks for a moment.) Oh, wait. It's always been like that!  
  
DC: Okay, folks. Since we screwed up the story, let's just wing it, ok?  
  
Dart (just noticing Meru's corpse): OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED MERU! YOU BASTARD!  
  
DC: Well, duh. Can we just get on with the story?  
  
(Haschel walks on stage. He is dressed normally, and carries a trophy.)  
  
Haschel: Look at my shiny new trophy, guys!  
  
(DiamondClaw's eyes turn red. A laser beam shoots out and hits the trophy, melting it.)  
  
Dart: How did you do that?  
  
DC: Heat vision!  
  
Rose: Where did you get heat vision?  
  
DC: Uh….internet?  
  
Haschel: WAHH! You melted my trophy! I'm telling on you! MOMMY!!! (He runs off.)  
  
Rose: Why does HE get heat vision and all I get is the ability to level cities with a single spell?  
  
Albert: And why haven't I said anything in over 20 lines?  
  
DC: Because I don't like you. So there. (raspberries.)  
  
Albert: You MUST like me! As King of Serdio, I COMMAND YOU!  
  
DC: And as King of This Story, I COMMAND YOU to shut the hell up!  
  
Dart: What about me?  
  
DC: I wish you had a muzzle! (A muzzle appears over Dart's mouth.) And a cage! (A cage appears.) Smaller cage. (The cage shrinks.) Now, anyone else who defies me gets the Meru treatment! Any takers? (Rose and Al stand still, quiet.) Good then!  
  
(Lloyd walks in, as Melbu Frahma.)  
  
Lloyd: Ha! Prepare for my 976,000th generation!  
  
DC: Oy vey…  
  
(A screaming fangirl appears.)  
  
Fangirl: Like, oh my god, it's LLOYD! (She rushes up to him.) Like, can I have your like, autograph?  
  
Lloyd: Sure. Let me get my…(begins to step away)…pen. (makes a mad dash for the exit.)  
  
Fangirl: Like, come back, Lloyd! We were meant to be together!! (she runs off after him.)  
  
DC: Well folks, we tried to put on a show…  
  
Rose: And failed miserably.  
  
DC: You shut up now! (A muzzle appears over Rose's mouth.) Anyways…we'll see you again for Scene 2, if you're stupid enough to watch this freak show. Bye for now!  
  
-----===FIN Act 1 Scene 1===-----  
  
(Author's Note: I do not bash any character just for the hell of it. I do this to add flavor to the story, and I don't actually hate any character [except for that damned Melbu Frahma]. So please, don't flame. And review this story, please!) 


	2. A Midsummer Night's Nightmare

LoD: The (Not-So) Divine Comedies  
by DiamondClaw  
  
Legal Stuff  
I do not own LoD, Sony, or most of the jokes in this fic. Please don't sue!  
  
Prologue:  
(enter Kongol, again.)  
Kongol: Kongol ready to tell more of story. You! (points to a little girl)  
Girl: Y...yes?  
Kongol: Get Kongol crueller and orange juice or Kongol SMASH!  
Girl: Yes, sir. (she exits)  
Kongol: And hurry with Kongol's meal! Now Kongol begin.  
(When we last left our suave and debonair author, he had his hands full with Dart, Rose, and Albert. Can he actually get a decent play started, or is he doomed to be surrounded by stupidity for all eternity?)  
  
ACT 1, SCENE 2  
(DiamondClaw, Dart, Rose, and Albert are on stage. The muzzles and cages that once surrounded most of them have disappeared.)  
DC: Okay, people. Welcome back to Round 2 of the freak show...I mean the play. Last time, nothing of signifigance happened.  
Rose: Actually, Meru...  
DC: Like I said, nothing of signifigance. Hey! Where's Dart? (DC looks across the stage. Dart is backstage, watching Invader Zim.)  
Dart: Wowie! (imitating Gir) I love this show...  
Rose: Figures...  
DC: Dart, you moron! Don't you know that TV rots your...(looks at Dart again)...brain? Oh, forget it.  
Albert: He never was one on intellligence.  
Rose: Then again, was anybody?  
DC: So that's why you're all mercenaries? Didn't pay attention in class and ended up paying the price for it?  
Rose: Hey, you drooling fanboy. Let me get something straight.  
DC: No...(DC snaps his fingers. A nerdy fanboy appears.) THAT'S A drooling fanboy!  
Rose: What the...!?  
DC(imitating Zim): FANBOY! ATTACK!  
Fanboy: Yes, master. (The fanboy pulls out a pen and book and begins to advance on Rose like a robot.)  
Rose: W...what are you doing? Wait! Don't touch that! NOOOOO!  
Fanboy: Autograph...must...get...autograph!!  
Rose(cheerfully): Here you go. (signs the book) Now go away! (The fanboy trots off.)  
DC: The company promised me an invincible FanboyBot. All LIES!!  
Albert: Ha! So you don't control everything!  
DC: Hey, Al!  
Al: What?  
DC: Do you have King Albert in a can?  
Al: Uh...no?  
DC: Well, I do! (zaps Albert with the creepy red-eye beam thing. A can appears, and vacuums Albert into it. The label on the can flashes 'OCCUPIED'.) I love being omnipotent.  
Rose: Now all we need is a special guest star to take Al's place.  
DC: Well, the budget for this fic was so low that I couldn't foot the bill for someone that somebody actually KNOWS...so I have my friend Darkstorm.  
(Darkstorm walks out.)  
Darkstorm: Hello, Da...  
DC: Shh! Nobody can know my real name. It ruins the atmosphere!  
DS: It doesn't matter. It's just like an electric bill to an Amish person!  
Rose: And have any of us looked at Dart?  
(All turn to Dart. He is playing Final Fantasy 7 on a PSX.)  
DC: Oh no! He found my Playstation!  
DS: I have an idea. (whispers into DC's ear)  
DC: That's good. (DC snaps his fingers. The PSX changes to a Sega Genesis, and the game changes to Zero Wing. [You know what I'm getting at.] The message 'ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US' repeatedly flashes across the screen. Dart bursts out crying, puts his head between his legs, and assumes the fetal position.)  
DC: Uh, Rose?  
Rose: Yes?  
DC: With HIM leading your team, how did you EVER defeat Melbu Frahma?  
Rose: I think we ordered an Ultima Weapon over the Internet.  
DS: Overkill.  
DC: HE's smart enough to use the Internet? Knowing him, he'd just try to look at naughty pictures.  
(Miranda walks on stage.)  
Miranda: Am I late?  
DC: Considering it's the same time yesterday on the other side of the International Date Line, no.  
DS: Smooth.  
Miranda: Good. Cuz' I was like, no way I'm gonna be late, and I was talkin' to my girlfriends, and...  
DS: Miranda with 'girlfriends'? Ooh....  
DC: It's alright. I'm lenient, to a point... (points to Dart)  
Miranda: What happened to him.  
DC: Well, 'All your base'...  
Miranda: I see.  
DC: Well, almost everybody showed up. Where the hell is Kongol?  
DS: Isn't he the one telling this story?  
DC: No, he's just serving as an overused plot device to creatively represent the prologue as an innovative paradigm to show just how smart I am.  
DS: Smart?  
DC: Yes. I am smarter than that which you can comprehend with 100% of your brain.  
Rose: Please.  
DC: What's that? (presses finger against ear) Oh damn. Well folks, I've been told that my fic was pre-empted by Alan Keyes. Wait till I give those execs at the Fic Channel a piece of my mind!  
  
- ACT 1 SCENE 2 Fin.-  
(See authors note in A1 S10 


	3. Et Tu, Good Conscience?

Legend of Dragoon: The (Not-So) Divine Comedies  
by DiamondClaw  
  
Legal Stuff  
I do not own LoD, Sony, Totally Spies, Fairly OddParents, or anything else I may mention in this fic. The people who own these shows and companies are really, really nice and they would never sue me. Thanks!  
  
Prologue:  
(enter Kongol, yet again.)  
Kongol: Welcome back to story. DiamondClaw finally stop Alan Keyes, so Kongol happy that he still have job. And where Kongol's meal?  
Girl: Right here, Mr. Kongol.  
Kongol: This orange juice have pulp in it! Kongol smash...(looks at box)...Florida! But Kongol save destruction for later and tell story.  
(When we last left DiamondClaw and his merry band of idiots, Rose was in a state of perpetual angst, Albert was being marketed to a can company, Dart was being more of a wuss than a crybaby Crimson Chin, Miranda showed up late, and Meru was still dead. Also, DC's good buddy Darkstorm joined the fray. Can they actually start a play, or are they just doomed to a death sentence of eternal idiocy?)  
  
ACT 1, SCENE 3: Et Tu, Good Conscience?  
(DiamondClaw, Darkstorm, Rose, and Miranda are on stage. Dart is backstage, assuming the same position he was concieved in. Albert is still in the can, but strangely, no screams for help come from it.)  
Rose: Is he alive in there?  
Darkstorm: Seeing as how DiamondClaw has a streak of cruel and unusual punishment? Probably not.  
DiamondClaw: He's alive. (DC snaps his fingers. Albert reverse vacuums out of the can, visibly shaken.) But he's also scarred for life.  
Albert: The horror...the horror...!  
DS: And you can bet he's claustrophobic as an added bonus, too.  
DC: Snap out of it before you force me to beat you about the head and shoulders! (He slaps Albert in the face a few times. After a few minutes of this, the shaken king returns to his senses.)  
Miranda: Like, are you alright, Al?  
DC: Like, can you quit talking like Clover? That accent is SO five minutes ago. As if!  
DS: You frighten me, DC.  
DC: Why is it that all of the women are nutcases, and all of the men are wussies?  
DS: Search me.  
(The ghost of Lavitz floats onto the stage.)  
Lavitz(breathing heavily): Luke...I am your father...  
DC: Wrong stage. The Darth Vader tryouts are down the hall.  
Lavitz: Damn! I swear, being an undead really takes a toll on your brain! But, the pension I get more than makes up for it. Well, so long! (He floats away.)  
Albert(dramatically): Lavitz! Come back! You know I can't defend myself! Noooooo!  
Rose: Damn! That's true thespian material!  
Albert(bowing): Thank you, thank you. No autographs please, just throw money.  
DC: Ouch. I can feel my intelligence slipping away. Soon, I will become a handsome but vapid airhead.  
DS: Then I can take over this fic!  
DC: There's about as much chance of that happening as Osama bin Laden becoming a peace-loving pacifist.  
DS: Hey! I can dream, can't I?  
Miranda: Like, what about Dart?  
DC: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about Captain Fetal over there. Observe. (DC does the creepy laser-beam thing. A beam of light blasts out and hits Dart. He stands up, ruffles his hair, and walks on stage calmly.)  
DS: See that, folks? Those are your tax dollars at work!  
Dart: Hey! Do I have a free will yet?  
DC: In this story, the closest thing you'll ever have to a free will is a Dragoons' Union. Get it?  
Dart: Got it.  
DC: Good. So, everybody's here?  
Albert: Well, almost everybody...(points to Meru's corpse)  
DC: Do I have to?  
DS: Do it. If you just let it stay, it'll stink up the whole auditorium. Do you really want this place smelling like a morgue?  
DC: This is a publicly funded building. Doesn't it already smell like a morgue?  
DS: ...  
DC: Oh, fine. But don't come crying to me when she annoys you to death! (DC snaps his fingers. Meru stands up, and promptly starts babbling junk.)  
Meru: And I want a car, and a train set, and a PS2...  
Rose: She was better off dead. Can't you kill her again?  
DC: Nope. (A book appears) The Rules state that the same spell cannot be used on the same person twice. (the book disappears)  
Rose: It could be worse. She could be Tinky-Winky!  
Albert: I wish she was. Then Jerry Falwell could kill her for us!  
Meru: All your base are belong to us! (She begins to sing this like a song. Dart drops to the floor and assumes the Crimson Chin position.)  
DC: I never said my eye beam was 100% successful...  
DS: Tax dollars at work? I guess many people aren't afraid of the IRS anymore.  
DC: Damn you, Dart! Get up!  
Rose: Dart's always been like this. Ever since...  
(She goes into a flashback. A young Dart is sitting on the floor playing Zero Wing.)  
Little Dart: Oh lookie how far I made it!  
Guy on Screen: All your base are belong to us! Ha ha ha ha! (The Game Over screen appears.)  
Little Dart: Noooo! 37 hours and this is what I got? Mommy! (He puts his head between his legs and assumes the fetal position. The flashback ends.)  
Rose: And that's how it was...  
DC: Oy...  
Miranda: Chill, Meru!  
Meru: (still singing the 'All Your Base' song.)  
Miranda: That's it! (Miranda pulls out her bow and fires on Meru. A yellow '3' appears. Meru, unfazed, continues singing.)  
Albert: Damn! She's weaker than Freugel!  
DC(slapping face): Where did I go wrong? Maybe it was the fact that I spent the entire budget for this fic on Ramen noodles? Well, it doesn't matter, because we're out of time for now. Like Paul Harvey, I bid you...good day!  
  
-ACT 1 SCENE 3 Fin.-  
(See author's note, A1 S1.) 


End file.
